Fashion In The Time Of Corona

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This time last year if I’d been going to my local family-run Italian restaurant for a 6pm tea with the kids; I might have worn jeans. Possibly with a heeled boot but more likely; with a scruffy Converse Hi-top. Because I have always had some level of self-respect and personal vanity; I would’ve undoubtedly dry-shampoo’d my barnet and slung on an animal print T-shirt (a clean one).  Mum fashion; sorted.

Fast forward to October 2020, and the casual observer watching me enter the local Italian restaurant would be forgiven for thinking I was on a really high-stakes Tinder date. One where my overarching objective was to get laid.

However the observer would then clock the three lunatic children knee-sliding into the venue behind me… followed swiftly by the world-weary husband who most certainly thinks that tonight he will not get laid.

‘Well’ the observer would ponder confusedly; ‘Why on Earth is she dressed like that?’

Yep. Last night I went for a pizza. With my children. At 6pm. And I wore… a body-con ribbed dress complete with what pitiful cleavage I have on display, and a cut-out midriff showing off a tummy which I failed to false-tan and subsequently blinded my fellow diners with.

Let me explain to you (and the confused casual observer of course) why on earth I did such a thing. Before I start I should say that it is not just me. Oh no. Everywhere I go these days (basically Aldi, school drop and the Post Office), I spot sane, sensible and usually stylish women dressed totally inappropriately for their surroundings. It is an epidemic far more widespread than Covid. And as we’ve heard from the government on repeated occasions; to answer the question of ‘Why?’; we need to follow the science.

Extensive research has proven*** that when you stop a woman seeing her mates, subject her to a spring season of needing to only dress from the waist up (thanks for that Zoom) and reducing her social life to a quick 30 second chat with a stranger in her Pilates class; a chemical reaction takes place in her brain. So excited is the woman for her trip Dunelm, she feels she should dress for the occasion. And let’s face it; it is an occasion! Dunelm has a cafe inside it guys so it’s pretty much like going for afternoon tea at The Ritz. In the time of a global pandemic; standard Mum fashion just doesn’t cut the mustard.

Also; it’s key to remember that the staff at Aldi/the Post Office/Dunelm also aren’t getting to go out and hit the dancefloor. Surely you owe it to them to put on the old razzle dazzle. Who the fuck decided that sequins weren’t daywear anyway!?

The research*** also shows that women started this revolution in solidarity with their clothes. That’s right. They feel that their beautiful Reiss dress deserves to be seen, even if it’s only in the chemist. Those drop dead gorgeous Kurt Geiger kitten heels are downright depressed just sitting there in the wardrobe! The women take them out, caress them, apologise for how bastard boring 2020 has been, cooing; “Come on sugar tits, I’ll take you to nursery pick-up.”

We’re all slowly but surely embracing the concept of not saving anything ‘for best’. Living for the bloody day and grabbing every opportunity (to get out of the house) by the balls. And you know what? It feels so great! It’s a small step to reclaiming a bit of the old us. The person we were nine months ago, who drank prosecco til the wee small hours, danced until her feet hurt and hugged her lovely mates so tight. Not a bastard elbow-bump or hand sanitiser in sight. 

So next time you spot a woman wearing a catsuit for the school run, dangly earrings for her zoom pilates class or stiletto’s in the supermarket; give her a huge grin. Tell her she looks amazing. And tell her one day, soon, she’ll be back to the fabulous and free woman she once was.

*** If any such research exists; I haven’t read it.

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Categories: Good Reads